Writing

I can get into this writing thing. It's been just a few weeks with this blog and I find myself wanting to sit with my laptop and just....write. To the exclusion of all else. I rather write than pack school lunches, finish my clinic notes, do 3rd grade math homework (parallelograms are dumb), convince kindergartener that changing underwear is a good habit to get into, sleep train a 7 month old (so not happening, by the way), make a grocery list, figure out thanksgiving plans, make a heathy dinner menu for the week, .....
It's basically another way to avoid doing the "shoulds" in my life. It's my Pinterest, my Facebook, my Words with Friends. Except I do all those too.
I remember when sister #1 had a few small kids and they were puttering around her apartment, calling for her to look at them or asking for juice or something needy like that. And she was sitting on her couch, reading one of her gazillion books. I couldn't believe she was able to tune out the little people and read like that. I probably thought to myself something judgmental like "I would never be able to ignore my kids like that. She should be listening to them!". A thought only a 20 year old girl with no kids would think. Now, as a 38 year old mother- I still can't do that. I can't tune out and read. But not because I'm paying all this attention to my needy little people. But because I think I have A.D.D so if I'm on the couch reading and child asks me to watch them dance a jig, I'm immediately distracted by the jig and the moment of zen reading is gone. And because my little people are the worlds most needy children, I don't get much reading done unless they're all unconscious. So too with writing. I can only write in a quiet house. My house is quiet for about 2 of my waking hours. And those 2 hours when it's just me and this computer are really special. Yes, I should be doing a dozen other things for the betterment of my little family but Jesus Christ, it's good to not.
I read magazines. Those are easy to read when you have A.D.D and kids. You can pause mid article and not really lose much momentum. I've read enough Oprah, Us, Peoples, Real Simples to fill a dentists waiting room. Sometimes, I start from the end and read it backwards. I've read enough chick mags to know that "doing things for yourself makes you a better wife and mom". Oprah says so even though she's neither. Redbook swears by it. Real Simple agrees. To be a good wife and mom, you need to pay attention to yourself. Even Dr. Oz says so and he's a doctor so he must be right.
How, though, are you supposed to do that and also pay enough attention to the little people and the big person that you live with? What's enough attention? I don't want them to think I'm not interested in their incredibly detailed story about what happened when they went outside and rode their scooter. Then they're at their therapists office telling him/her how their mother never listened to their needs (and blogged all this crap about them). What's too much attention? I don't want to create these narcissistic assholes who are shocked when someone tunes them out or isn't interested in their play-by-play recall of their soccer game. I remember going on a date with one such asshole and by hour 3 of the monologue- I interrupted and said "I'm in nursing school, I have 3 sisters, I grew up in Miami...just thought you may want to know something about me too". There wasn't a second date. But this was the pre-blog days. Now that guy could just blog and get it all out that way. He doesn't have to subject a woman to that torture. I don't want my sons to be that guy.
So, I struggle to find a balance. A balance between over-indulging and creating giant douchebag kids and under-indulging and creating insecure, needy kids.
The truth is, all I really want is an hour to myself. I'd be thrilled with that. The rest of the evenings can be spent watching the jig, listening to soccer details, feeding and bathing children and even measuring the perimeter of a square. If I knew I would have 60 undisturbed minutes to do nothing but write or read (for myself, not for work)...in silence....without any interruption.....I would give up Facebook and Pinterest. I would be a better mom and wife. Touche Dr. Oz. You were right.