Friday, November 1, 2013

Genes and a Grill

My daughter's working on her grill these days.
She currently has 5 silver-capped teeth and has 3 more to go.  We're trying to come up with a name to engrave across her mouth. I'm thinking "DECAY4EVA".
Her brother who has equally atrocious dental habits has a pristine mouth. I took him to the dentist who congratulated him on his excellent teeth brushing. He then turned to me and gave me that shit eating grin that says- "I won". It was the same grin he had when I took him to the pediatrician because of his dangerously skinny frame. Because of his enormous head of hair he looked like a lollipop. In Auschwitz.
On our way to the doctor, I told him about the feeding tube I was sure Dr. Awesome was going to threaten him with. It was like an episode of "Scared Sober" and I was confident this kid would eat out of sheer terror. After he got weighed, Dr. Awesome comes into the room and says: "Good job, man- keep doing what you're doing". I was stunned silent. And not missing a beat- my son looks at me and grins. He was victorious. He then asked me to please get him some donuts .
So the teeth issue is a small example of lucky genes. The skinny issue is a mystery. There are NO skinny genes on any branches of our family trees. So my daughter inherited the miniature, soft, corn on the cob teeth from her father. Those teeth were created to rot. My son got his hardy, resilient metal teeth from me. Those things can cut wood. So even if he brushes them with each solar eclipse, he will likely not have a single cavity. I'm 39 and have 2. I went to the dentist this year for the first time in 5 years and got an A+.

So, my kids inherited some twisted, messy chains of DNA. The ones that make them impulsive and twitch and shout. The ones that make them loud and out of focus. The ones that make them run around my house like golden retriever puppies. The ones that give them a mouth full of capped teeth, asthma and diabetes. Not to mention the multiple mental illnesses that course through our family veins. Oh, and the food issues. Sorry kids- those issues run so deep. I apologize in advance.
But they also inherited some great teeth,  musical ability, brains and quite possibly the greatest gift of all- the ability to make things funny. No matter what. So even if they're getting a whole new grill in their mouth or filling their zoloft prescription- they'll be able to laugh about it. You're welcome, kids.