Sunday, January 6, 2013

Medicating

We took all 3 kids to a nice restaurant for dinner last night. We've seen other people do it. Older kids quietly sitting, coloring, playing on the iPhone, maybe even chatting with a sibling.
Since my children have  "voice modulation" problems (i.e- loud enough to make your ears bleed), there's never anything quiet about them. Even a regular conversation with them is like being in a noisy bar, yelling pleasantries at each other. Their volume is always set at 12 when the rest of the universe operates at a 7.
"Pass the salt" is "PASS THE SALT".
So so loud.

As the older 2 were happily yelling over each other, #3 was sitting in a highchair double fisting french fries and throwing giant chunks of bread and mushed up fish on the floor. Our waiter, a young, hip, tattooed guy who shaves his head to be cool, not to detract from his baldness- tried to be nice. He asked the kids what they wanted and HM screamed her order. Even though the restaurant was quiet. It's her way. She continues to abuse her vocal cords mercilessly. #1 has yelled so much for so long (8 years), he sounds like Demi Moore. After hipster-baldy kindly brought us our alcoholic beverages or three, we apologized for the loud chaos that are our children. He responded: "No worries, dude, it's excellent birth control for a young guy like me".
I felt accomplished. We're a walking PSA for safe sex.

We medicate our children. We take them to physicians who specialize in figuring out the right cocktail of drugs so they can function in the environment we place them in, and succeed. I often wonder what life would be like if we lived on a farm in Arkansas and there was no school, no after school activities,  no synagogue, no birthday parties or playdates my kids had to participate in. Places where they have to fit in and behave in a semi acceptable way. In this Arkansas fantasy, my kids would wake up and run in a field, climb trees and jump into a pond. They would be happy.

I would be miserable.

I don't medicate my kids solely because the structure they live doesn't tolerate loud, chaotic, hyperactive children. I can't either. It's like being stuck at a rave when you really just want to be in a library. If you're a person who doesn't have sensory issues (one of the few issues I don't have), living with loud frenetic people is hard. I've worn earplugs in my house, I've hidden downstairs or in the bathroom, I go to work happily....just to have some quiet.

To clarify- I don't medicate my kids to mute them. It's not all about the volume. Since both are ADHD kiddos, they need pharmaceutical help chill them the F out. That's the long and short of it. Without meds, they operate on high/loud/fast/physical setting. They run, don't walk, everywhere. From the bathroom to the bedroom next door, it's a run, then jumping leap then roll, ending with a knee slide through the door. Thats how they get from point A to point B no matter how close the distance. Eating is shoving food in, singing, rocking, interrupting. Watching TV or playing the iPad is interrupted every 2-3 minutes with a couch flip or a pile-on to whoever happens to be sitting next to them. Then back to the iPad and then a random loud song will be spewed out that may startle an unassuming person. But being highly active and loud doesn't necessarily mean the child needs meds. We decided our kids did for one reason alone.  We didn't want them to feel defeated.

We wanted school to be a place where they had fun, played soccer at recess, make life-long friends and open their minds to things they didn't know the day before. We wanted them to feel safe and accepted in that building. We wanted it to be their second home. In order for my kids to have their minds opened, they need to quiet down all the noise that's in there and make room for the information to live. They need to be able to read a page line by line and not skip words quickly because they can't slow down. They need to take pause for just a nanosecond before blurting answers out. Before reaching out their arms to touch/pat/kick their neighbor. If they can't chill the F out, adults (me being the first one) start to get annoyed. They start to criticize, correct, stop the offensive behavior. This doesn't work. My kids can hear "stop" 40,000 times in a day. Obviously they haven't stopped. It's like telling someone to stop scratching their itch. So, if my kids continue to itch there scratch, their entire day is full of "No", "Stop", "Take a break", ""Get out". Their evening at home is full of the same. There's no time or space for words of encouragement and validation. That, in my mind, is defeat.

So my kids get medicated to help me mother them and remain somewhat sane. They also need it to succeed in the school we chose for them (which, is a stellar, loving, good good place).

In between the above activities, they are your regular 8 and 5 year old kids. But much funnier than the average 8 and 5 year old, actually. We laugh often.
Loudly.