I realize my last post was a bit intense.
I never understood how the romantic comedy or fantasy movie genre appeal to people. Same with book choices. I always gravitate to the gritty, intense, REAL genre. In college, my then-boyfriend was into Star Wars and I was like Jane Goodall trying to figure him out. Like, why would anyone want to spend 2 hours watching Chewbaca fly a rocket?
Same thing with watching Jennifer Lopez as a wedding planner who falls in love with the groom and then all the stars align and they end up together. I mean, puh-leez. That's as likely to happen as Chewbaca flying that rocketship. (Star Wars geeks: I know its not called a rocket but it doesn't matter what it's called because its fake). I've had to read the first 5 Harry Potter books with my kids and I should win an Oscar for my performance as an interested reader.
It just doesn't speak to me.
Same way, general pediatrics never spoke to me. It wasn't gritty enough.
To quote Gotye: "You can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness".
It's pathological and twisted but true.
I've thought about this for awhile and think that it boils down to this: the same reason people cut themselves to feel, to really feel, is the same motive that makes me read the insanely depressing shit I read. Or be immersed in the tragic. Or watch movies that have horrible endings. This is what resonates with me.
But here's the other thing- if you are that person whose mind can be a dark and twisted place- and you choose to immerse yourself in the tragic every day for month after month and year after year.....you are in great danger of having those dark and twisted parts become who you are.
I'll never be sunshine and rainbows. Ever. If you see me and I appear that way- you should know that it's pharmacologically induced or I've finally cracked. But I think that maybe a healthier way to live is to be able to be present in the moment and feel whatever it is that's happening. Whether it be joy or boredom or sadness or anxiety or anger. Let it be. Even if what you feel is great irritability (check). I was trying to read Eckhart Tolle and couldn't get past page 10 because when he wrote "Just be in your being-ness" I burst out laughing. WTF does that even mean?? I cynically came up with a list of reasons why he sucks and went on a tirade about new age bullshit is so annoying as are the people who read this crap and so on and so on.
Now I'm realizing that even if he is full of crap, he's certainly in a better place than I am. Even though I still think "just be in your being-ness" is hilarious, I also think it may be worth a try.
If anyone knows how to do that, please share. Except if it entails a lot of meditating and yoga- I may need to take some drugs first.
I know, I have a long way to go Eckhart Tolle.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Painful Decision
I'm back.
I've been post less for the last month. Not because I haven't had what to say but because too much stuff has been going on and I haven't really found the words. That is to say, when too many things happen at once, my mind tends to turn on the Emergency Broadcast System signal and all I hear is that loud beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
I'm leaving the hospital and pediatric oncology after 12 years. I will be an educational consultant for an oncology pharmaceutical company so in some ways will still stay in the world of cancer and medicine. But I'm selling out.
I always used to say everyone's a whore for the right price. Now I know my price.
But the other truths (because there is never only one truth) are that I am and have been ready for a major life change for awhile now. Professionally speaking, pediatric oncology is a bitch. But it's a bitch that I love. It's complicated, painful, funny, sorrowful and busy. It steals part of your soul. It can make you an atheist and restore all hope in humanity at the same time. For me, it hasn't restored my belief in the God of my childhood. That belief is long gone. Never to return. I like to think that maybe it's just changed the concept of a Power of the Universe for me- but most days, I'm just left in a vacuum.
You can't possibly be surrounded with so much suffering and ugliness every day and be left unscathed.
That's not to say we don't have our share of the faithful among us. Especially here in the South. There are very religious folk down here. I am constantly amazed at the ability of people who, in the midst of a colossal shit storm, remain faithful.
I am not one of them. In fact, just being a spectator to the suffering- removed enough to be able to push it out of my mind for most of the day- has left me faithless.
But as I said, this job has allowed me to see people do supernaturally strong things. People who say thank you after you tell them devastating news. People who bring flowers to the unit a few days after their childs funeral. People who have such clarity about what it means to be a parent. These parents that I've met along the way have the strength of a pack of wolves. It's hard to describe that strength. You need to see it in a action to understand.
Over a decade of being immersed in this world has left me cynical, agnostic and intolerant. Intolerant of the woes of suburbia. Intolerant of colds and viruses. Intolerant of anything that isn't terminal.
Taking a break from this will probably be a good thing for my psyche (at least that's what my friends and family keep telling me) but I can't imagine what life is going to look like without it. My "job" has defined me for a long time. My "co-workers" (lifeline/sanity/friends forever) have given me a community and a support group. I've grown up here.
To say that I will miss the hospital and all that those walls hold is a gross understatement.
The new job includes traveling but when Im not traveling, I'm working from home. Many days, I will get to be there when my kids get home from school. That's never happened. I may even get to attend a school function mid-day. I won't be a crazy woman every morning trying to get myself and 2 kids dressed and in the car by 7:15 because this girl can wear sweatpants all day and no makeup necessary. If I need to take a sick child to the pediatrician, I can without having the anxiety and guilt about leaving the hospital to do so.
But, the travel. It's going to be a huge adjustment. There will be many evenings and nights that I will be away. This makes me belly-flopping anxious. Mostly because it's an unknown right now. I texted a friend who does this for a living: "tell me my kids won't end up serial killers because their mom travelled a lot for work". Her response: "Nah". Not very convincing.
I think it's going to be OK. I think the kids will be fine those evenings I'm away. I think I'll be home more often than I am now.
And as far as I know, Charles Mansons mom didn't travel for work.
I've been post less for the last month. Not because I haven't had what to say but because too much stuff has been going on and I haven't really found the words. That is to say, when too many things happen at once, my mind tends to turn on the Emergency Broadcast System signal and all I hear is that loud beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
I'm leaving the hospital and pediatric oncology after 12 years. I will be an educational consultant for an oncology pharmaceutical company so in some ways will still stay in the world of cancer and medicine. But I'm selling out.
I always used to say everyone's a whore for the right price. Now I know my price.
But the other truths (because there is never only one truth) are that I am and have been ready for a major life change for awhile now. Professionally speaking, pediatric oncology is a bitch. But it's a bitch that I love. It's complicated, painful, funny, sorrowful and busy. It steals part of your soul. It can make you an atheist and restore all hope in humanity at the same time. For me, it hasn't restored my belief in the God of my childhood. That belief is long gone. Never to return. I like to think that maybe it's just changed the concept of a Power of the Universe for me- but most days, I'm just left in a vacuum.
You can't possibly be surrounded with so much suffering and ugliness every day and be left unscathed.
That's not to say we don't have our share of the faithful among us. Especially here in the South. There are very religious folk down here. I am constantly amazed at the ability of people who, in the midst of a colossal shit storm, remain faithful.
I am not one of them. In fact, just being a spectator to the suffering- removed enough to be able to push it out of my mind for most of the day- has left me faithless.
But as I said, this job has allowed me to see people do supernaturally strong things. People who say thank you after you tell them devastating news. People who bring flowers to the unit a few days after their childs funeral. People who have such clarity about what it means to be a parent. These parents that I've met along the way have the strength of a pack of wolves. It's hard to describe that strength. You need to see it in a action to understand.
Over a decade of being immersed in this world has left me cynical, agnostic and intolerant. Intolerant of the woes of suburbia. Intolerant of colds and viruses. Intolerant of anything that isn't terminal.
Taking a break from this will probably be a good thing for my psyche (at least that's what my friends and family keep telling me) but I can't imagine what life is going to look like without it. My "job" has defined me for a long time. My "co-workers" (lifeline/sanity/friends forever) have given me a community and a support group. I've grown up here.
To say that I will miss the hospital and all that those walls hold is a gross understatement.
The new job includes traveling but when Im not traveling, I'm working from home. Many days, I will get to be there when my kids get home from school. That's never happened. I may even get to attend a school function mid-day. I won't be a crazy woman every morning trying to get myself and 2 kids dressed and in the car by 7:15 because this girl can wear sweatpants all day and no makeup necessary. If I need to take a sick child to the pediatrician, I can without having the anxiety and guilt about leaving the hospital to do so.
But, the travel. It's going to be a huge adjustment. There will be many evenings and nights that I will be away. This makes me belly-flopping anxious. Mostly because it's an unknown right now. I texted a friend who does this for a living: "tell me my kids won't end up serial killers because their mom travelled a lot for work". Her response: "Nah". Not very convincing.
I think it's going to be OK. I think the kids will be fine those evenings I'm away. I think I'll be home more often than I am now.
And as far as I know, Charles Mansons mom didn't travel for work.
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