Letter of Resignation

I read a HuffPost article about a female law partner at Clifford Chance handing in her letter of resignation because she couldn't meet the needs of her family while working full time (plus) as a lawyer. Responses were mixed. Some applauded her decision to "put her children first". Some chastised her for giving up her career. The article continued with how the American work environment needs to change for working parents and reflect the realities of the 21st century. We're no longer in the Mad Men era where Dad goes off to work and Mom keeps the house tidy, dinner warm and her lipstick on at all times.

I've never stayed home with my children. As soon as they turned 9 or 10 weeks old, off to daycare they went. I've also never made dinner. Or kept the house tidy. My lipstick, however- I nail that. Don't mess with my makeup. This girl needs her lip gloss and her mascara. Whether I put it on in my bathroom with a kid on the floor and one on the toilet and one bouncing a ball off the wall repeatedly, I am not leaving my house without some cosmetic help. Even if it means putting it on in the poorly lit underground garage at the hospital by the light of my car mirror. My work people call it "garage makeup". Its sort of an adjective to how the morning is going.

If I don't put blush and mascara on, it's the beginning of the end for me. Not to be histrionic-  but seriously. It's the same thing if I start wearing elastic waist pants. Or t-shirts with squirrels on it. Or cut my hair really short because it's "so much faster in the mornings". Or buy Naturalizer pumps because they're so much more sensible.  Its the beginning of the end, ladies. Beware.

When I read her resignation letter, I had such admiration for her clear vision. ..and for how little sleep she was able to get away with.

She knew what she had to do and I admire her for that. She knew she was being ineffective as a mother, and probably as a lawyer trying to do both with equal focus. Its just not possible to do both very well. I'm sorry to all women who think that they can parent effectively and work full-time. You can't. Something has to give. For me- both my work and my children get short changed at different times.

If it's busy at work and I'm running late- I don't get home until after 6pm. When I get home, there are 3 needy, hungry, smelly, cranky little people waiting for me. My domestic partner is an incredible co-parent. He does everything a parent needs to do....but still they wait for me. Until I get home, they all hang out and play/chill out. Then when I get home, the evening really gets going. Dinner, homework, bath, baby, reading, soccer, listening, dinner #2 for #1 now that the patch is out of his system and he's STARVING at 9pm. So here's the thing- I can do it. It gets done every evening from Monday-Friday. But do I do it well?  Does anything else get done that doesn't have to do with fulfilling the immediate physical needs of the family- food, hygiene and sleep? And hygiene is a loose term here. As is food. Dinner at my house would make Martha Stewart cry. (My mother once accused me of feeding my kids gas station food). So, the answer is no. Most nights, it all gets done because it has to get done. The quality is very questionable. Some nights it's blueberry waffles and a quick face wash.
On the nights where my kids eat a hot meal (that dear husband has made) and have all bathed...with soap... and are sleeping by 9pm, I feel so accomplished. There's something primal about feeding and cleaning your offspring. It brings me great peace. And I swear that I am going to do this every night. Then the next night, I'm microwaving fish sticks and hating myself.

Work suffers too. At 4pm I find myself looking at my watch and the anxiety starts to creep up on me. I quickly gauge what absolutely needs to get done in the next hour and what can wait until later in the evening after I'm home. I rush through notes and calls. Any questions from nurses or parents need to be urgent or else they're waiting until tomorrow. The quality of my work suffers. Colleagues who don't have the same expectations to be home can stay and think and do better. They don't have to field the 5:15 phone call from home asking if they're on their way because kids are restless and hungry. Oh, and baby hasn't seen mama since the night before. There are  projects and research ideas that can't be done because the only time to do them would be "after hours" and I have about 3 functioning neurons firing "after-hours". Even during the most productive hours, I'm not as sharp as I used to be pre-partum. I forget words, I get distracted, I need to call the child psychologist and make a well child appt for baby and make sure kids wear the right color for anti-bullying week, I lose my train of thought, I forget names, I need to find a babysitter for conferences, I need to refill a bunch of meds, I can't remember if the Monday morning meeting is mandatory or just strongly encouraged, I get distracted, I forget to pack kindergarteners blanket every single Monday, I get distracted.

So, both my work life and my home life often tread water; never really swimming gracefully to the finish line. I often feed my kids soggy nuggets, forget what chemo plan we're following for what patient, lose library books, never remember to pack the god damn blanket on Mondays, show up late to meetings, forgo the agony of 3rd grade homework and miss work related dinners.

I read that resignation letter with admiration.

But as much as I may be treading water, I wouldn't change a thing.