Occupational Hazard

#3 has recurrent ear infections. At 8 months old, he has been on 5 different antibiotics in the last 4 weeks. All to no avail. ENT and tubes are in the immediate future. This ranks pretty low on the worry barometer.
My little guy has had fevers on and off for the last 4 weeks. BFD, he's still cheerful, eating, peeing.

Bit for whatever reason, at the unholy hour of 4am today, when little guy had a scalding forehead (again) and piping hot breath- I went loco.
Here's what happened.
While picking him up and feeling his very hot little head and neck, I dove head first into a spiral of catastrophic thinking. I couldn't be rational and think that clearly this was yet another ear infection/virus and therefore he has fever. Instead, it turned into 4 consecutive weeks of fever, multiple antibiotics for ear infection, then finally diagnosed with leukemia after pediatrician checked his blood counts. A story I've heard countless times in the last decade of doing what I do.
That thought was alternating with: "Jesus, get your shit together, woman, its an ear infection".
This is my occupational hazard.

I've made my pediatrician check for abdominal masses, eye deviations, enlarged lymph nodes...and today I made him rule out leukemia. Needless to day, he was not thrilled with me today. Apparently, some doctors don't like being told how to practice. Who knew?.... Who cares?

I needed to explain that the lens in which I see the world is sometimes twisted (actually probably often) and full of really random, horrifying muck. I find myself wondering "why not me?".  There's no good reason why not. And that's terrifying.

So yes, a simple, benign fever in my child will 9 times out of 10 not even make the radar of concern. I have on many occasions given my kid motrin and sent them to school. I've ignored my kids complaints of tummy aches, knee pain, infected nails, mad diaper rash and back pain. I'm currently 5 months overdue on well child visits. Don't even ask me about dental care for my little dirt balls.

But every so often, without any warning, it'll hit me like a steamroller. The knowledge that random shit happens to people. Healthy, unassuming, carefree people. Until they're not anymore.

And the truth is that since theres not a damn thing you can do about it; you might as well eat that piece of cake, go on that expensive trip, let your kids stay home from school and go to the movies.

Meanwhile, I'm going to try to stay sane and go back to ignoring most of my kids ailments.
Until the next time a fever derails me.