Birds Fly Free

Being busy is a double edged sword. The good edge is that it keeps me productive and purposeful. Every hour of every day is full. I feel necessary, a part of something bigger than myself. The sharp and dangerous part of that sword is that it enables me to not be present and aware of life that is quickly passing. Aware that my kids are growing. That my hair is grey and I will never fit into those jeans again. Aware that what used to resonate with me no longer does and that things that I used to never give pause to now rings loudly. Like birds.
Lately, I am keenly aware of birds.
For the record, I don't like animals. Never have. I am deeply fearful of living creatures that don't have facial expressions. They're 4 legged sociopaths as far as I'm concerned. We rented a dog once (and by rent I mean tried to own one  but after 6 months found a much better family for it since I couldn't really pet the dog without cringing a bit inside) and that underscored why we should never try to have a pet. There are animal people and then there are those of us who think animals are gross. I think its part nature part nurture. People are born with a part of their soul reserved for animals and kindness. And then there are those of us who, while we don't want to hurt animals- we don't want to touch them either. I've always been the latter.
And then the birds started singing to me.
And no- I am not drinking or high or medicated. Well, ok, I am medicated but that's not relevant.
What happened is that I've become more open to things that never used to penetrate. I love watching the cardinals and the robins and the grey cute little ones with the orange beaks flying through my tree branches and landing on the bird feeder outside my window. I love how free they are. They just pause shortly to eat, pee, poop, chirp and then when they're ready to take off- they just do. They just fly away. Perfectly. Maybe they'll return. Maybe not.
There have been times these last few months when I've watched the birds and been jealous. They can just fly free, far from the nest. I've wanted to do that as well. Fly far away from here. To where? Who knows, who cares. Just into the night. It's a feeling that is visceral and real and scary. It doesn't mean I don't know how blessed and perfect my life is. I know that I found a man who is my other half, my heart, my happy place. He is a crazy, broken, kind, brilliant, generous, hilarious, mess of a man. And great looking. I know this. I know that my 3 children are HEALTHY. They breathe every day. Dayenu- it is sufficient. They are little humans who eat, pee, poop, chirp on their own. They bring me tremendous joy. And tremendous angst. We hurt each other but try to help each other more. We are winging it every single day. They bring me joy.
Yet, there are days when I want to fly.
The good news is that there are more days where my nest is where I want to stay. As long as I can still see the birds.
I think what I also want to fly far away from is the God of my childhood. The system. Orthodox Judaism. And while I don't remember ever learning about God per se, or cultivating a relationship with a higher power (20 years of Orthodox jewish private education and sadly this is true- but I can recite the entire siddur/prayer book and large blocks of torah by heart, and I know every single one of the 39 prohibitions of shabbat)- God and Orthodoxy have always been intertwined for me. Until now.
I don't know if the birds have to do with this shift but it feels like they do.
It just simply doesnt resonate with me. The ritual and the liturgy are so familiar and so empty. Sometimes I even have to laugh at how absurd it is. Sometimes I do laugh. Other times, the familiarity is comfort. Like an old blanket that smells bad but feels so good. I wouldn't want any other temple or prayer or ritual. I look at it all as the same attempt at a connection with something big. Whether its Jesus, Mohammed, Hashem, Buddha, Nature.  No one way is the right way. We're probably all dead wrong, actually. But who the hell knows?
What I do know is that this system that I was raised/indoctrinated in- doesn't work for me at this very moment. But it's the system that I am heavily invested in. I live in the system. I send my kids to the system. My family is the system. So I need to find a way to feel genuine and true while still keeping a toe in. Some days this is hard. So I stay very busy..... and I watch the birds.